“Do one thing everyday that scares you.”

When I was 18, I listened to this speech, where the speaker said this: “Do one thing everyday that scares you.”
Everytime I listened to it, I became more convinced that this sentence is not very applicable. How am I supposed to do one thing everyday that scares me? That requires bravery.
But now?
Now I think I am doing more than one thing everyday that terrifies me.
It scares me to wake up everyday and confront myself, yet I do.
It scares me to go through change and yet, I do.
It scares me to walk on the street alone every night, yet I do.
It scares me to cross the street, yet I do.
It terrifies me to lose someone I love and move on with my life without them, yet I did.
It scares me to hurt people, yet I do.
It scares me to sleep everyday knowing I may not wake up to achieve my dreams, yet I do.
It scares me to not reach my goals after working hard, yet I do.
Everything scares me. The world is scary.
It scares me to be me. Yet I am always gonna be me.
That’s when I realized that I am brave. I am facing my fears everyday. And so, doing one thing everyday that scares me didn’t turn out to be impossible. It’s a daily routine.

Drapetomania

Drapetomania – an overwhelming urge to run away.

As a child, I ran away many times. Whenever there was this fight with my siblings or parents, I just told them “I am going away.” and I took off. 30 minutes later, you’d see me back in my room, playing or laughing with my family. That’s because, of course, I had nowhere to go.

It was so simple.

Now, as an adult, I can go everywhere and anywhere anytime I want. I can support myself and be somewhere alone. I still wouldn’t call it “running away” though, ’cause now the thing I am running away from is different. I am running away from myself. I am running away from life, obligations and responsibilities. I am running away from my mind. I am running away from my thoughts.

But hey, that’s not possible..and so, I am not running away. I can try as much as I want and I wouldn’t feel unchained.

Thinking about all this, I keep wondering: Is there a way to escape life?

Is psychiatry going too far ?

Coffee Thoughts

Psychiatry is the trickiest speciality, in my opinion, in every possible way (the reasons need a long talk and it’s not my issue at the time) and along the last few years there have been major advances that have helped brighten the future of many silent sufferers in the world. Problem is, I believe those advances are in an unintentional way harming us greatly. The nature of most disorders in psychiatry forces us to accept “multifactorial” as a cause, which in other words means we have theories but nothing concrete yet as the single sole cause, it also forces the term “disorder” and not “disease” because we’re clueless about the nature of the pathology, we have theories and in many cases we know what happened (and that guides treatment) but not why it happened. That tricky nature is the first step to what I believe is harm; the fact that…

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Reality ?

Coffee Thoughts

I often wonder how we could claim sanity, how could we ever possibly distinguish ourselves from what we label as the insane, on what basis is that possible ?

If you’ve ever met a psychotic patient & heard them talk it would permanently mess with your mind in ways you couldn’t fathom before. In my personal encounter with a patient diagnosed with psychosis my mind went blank as I heard him speak because you would see unbearable conviction with what your mind calls insane, a conviction that matches your own of the contrary (which can be terribly scary) and a total loss of touch with reality as “you” know it.

But then, what is reality to begin with ? Is it my perception of the world or yours ? Is it maybe something beyond the scope of my mind’s ability to perceive ? Maybe it’s very different from how I…

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Humans have tried to destroy each other and conquer the world since ancient times.
Until today, until this very moment where I am typing this letter, massacres are happening. Innocent people are being killed. It’s a shame to read about all the violence and all the blood. It’s a shame to see civilized nations destroy each other. It’s a real shame.
I’ve repeated the same word three times because, lately, that’s all I can think about: it’s a shame.
Humans have developed weapons and ideas to destroy each other since day 1 on earth.
However..is it really a bad world?
Lately, I have made a pact with myself. I’ve decided to see the ‘good side’ of war. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that war is a positive thing by any means. I just kept thinking about the other side of it.
Every catastrophe has shown us genuine people. Every massacre has shown us hidden heroes.
You can look at places getting destroyed and think ‘why is the world like this? How are humans this way?’, but you can direct your eyes on humans who do what they can to make the world a better place.
Brutality has shown us genuine hearts.
You can either see those who kill or you can see those who save.
There are hidden heroes, there are pure hearts EVERYWHERE who do actions. No matter how small it is.
My respect goes for those doctors, who sacrifice their lives to save others in wars. My respect goes to those people who helped victims during world wars. My respect goes to every pure tear that has been shed cause a hero wanted to do more, to save more people. My respect goes to every tiny action. My respect goes to everyone anywhere on earth who does something, no matter how small it is.
So, I will always keep an eye on such deeds. Your deeds make the world bearable. Your deeds make the world breathe.

Medschool- the dream to thousands of people worldwide. It’s almost always an honour in every country to be a doctor. But nobody ever thought what med-school does to your soul.
I’ve been a medical student for 5 years now. The first 3 years of my life, I rarely dealt with patients. I mostly listened to pathologies and diseases. Studying all the symptoms and signs of any disease never actually touched me. I never felt the suffering ’cause I never saw them.
As I began slowly to deal with patients, I saw their moments of weakness and those moments of strength. I knew what a disability really means, what suffering really is. My heart breaks everytime I see someone I can’t help. I feel like doing everything for them, but I know I can’t.
Time went by and I noticed how doctors treated patients who reached out to them. I definitely wouldn’t say careless but I do not seem to recognize compassion in their eyes. The compassion even some students my age already lost so early. I feel terrified, I feel scared to death from the future me. Is this who I am gonna be in the future? Am I gonna be that doctor that doesn’t actually feel the suffering a patient goes through? Am I gonna see a human being through an X-ray and labs? Am I gonna be that person that sees only the “medical view” of life all the time?
I don’t want that. I know that not everybody develops into such a person and a few escape. I wanna escape. And I know that those who escape aren’t monsters, they are just doing job so well and are deepend that they forgot that part.
So, here’s a message to Medical Students, doctors and the future me:
The place God put you in is the most honest, purest place on earth. This is the only place where you’ll meet honest tears and joyful laughters. It’s the only place you’ll see that friendships actually last through dark times, that family is always there for you. A hospital is the only place where you can pause life and recognize the smile of appreciation and gratitude. It’s the only place where holding hands means warmth and care. There, you can notice how some people see the beauty of life despite everything they are going through.
Don’t lose that. You are probably doing the most honorable thing for a living. Don’t ever forget who you are dealing with. You are not dealing with just a disease, you are dealing with a human being. You are not dealing with the material part you see in front of you, there is a huge emotional part behind what is in front of you.
You are not just a doctor. Your title is a “human being” before “doctor”. You have been a doctor for years, but a human being your entire life.
This is where you and I know why med-school should NOT terrify us.
This is why med-shool terrifies me, this is why it terrifies me not.
The word hospital comes from latin “hospitālis”, which also means – as an adjective – hospitality.
So, be show hospitality and generosity towards the human beings. Show them your warmth and respect.
You are a healer.

Today, as I was staring into the sky listening to some music as usual, I got the same daydream again. I saw myself jumping around all those beautiful, pink clouds. I was so light and the clouds were so soft. They smelled like cotton candy, they were so sugary. I even opened up my mouth and the sugar in the air was so sweet. Physics didn’t make any sense. My body felt different and I didn’t felt like the “earthy” me. I even lied down for some time. It was cozy. I jumped into a small cloud and was covered allover. All of a sudden, I just started shaping the clouds, into smilies, houses, trees, flowers and dreams. Yes, I made dreams hoping someone somewhere saw what I did and felt grasping his dreams. I imagined this little girl looking up there for me so I sent her some sugar, giving her hope. I knew she tasted it. She must’ve ’cause I already am. I made music. Somehow it was possible to make an orchestra out of those cozy, soft materials. It was heaven. All of it. Every single aspect worked in harmony together. And I never wanted to leave.

10 life lessons brought to you by a medical student

The most important lessons I learned in med school:

1) Appreciate what you have. Appreciate your body.

2) You have to feel pain to be better. Pain is the first step towards healing.

3) Don’t underestimate the power of “get well soon” said with care to a severely ill patient.

4) Today you are well. Tomorrow you may not be. Anything can happen anytime. Appreciate the moment while you have it.

5) Health is important and so is sickness. Both lead to a better you.

6) You can’t control three things: your past, your family, some health issues. Anything else can and will be changed if you want.

7) Being able to sit down is a blessing. Being able to smile is a blessing. Being able to engage into a conversation without feeling shortness of breath is a blessing. Being able to enjoy a chocolate without restrictions from doctors is a blessing. Everything you take for granted is a blessing.

8) People care about you. Even if they don’t always show it. Trust me, they will show if something goes wrong in your life.

9) Move while you have the move and time to move. Move in your room, in your home, in your neighbourhood, in your city and travel if you can. Don’t fall into the trap of life’s routine. You have what it takes. You always do.

10) Being able to read this right now shouldn’t be taken for granted. Being able to understand it shouldn’t be taken for granted. Being able to move your mouse after you read this shouldn’t be taken for granted. Being able to sleep without pain shouldn’t be taken for granted.

Med-school taught me appreciation and gratitude. Med-school taught me that sometimes you have to miss things in order for them to be found.

Brave

To live means to be brave. It means you are ready to jump, fall, fly, float and get bruises all over your body. It doesn’t matter whether you have this skill or not. If you have it, you have to work harder to improve it. If you don’t, get ready to develop it. 

To live means to never be ashamed of yourself and your skills. It means you wake up everyday telling yourself “Today, I am proud of my bruises, of my screw ups and I’ll even add more.” You have to want to add more and more. When those bruises heal, you get wonderful, new skin. And you are even prettier, more beautiful than the person you were an hour ago. 

Be brave to live. ‘Cause I want you to live, not just survive. 

Miracles

He said, “miracles don’t happen.”

At that same moment, an old couple was looking at their newborn. They’ve been waiting for this for 20 years and they never gave up. Now, his little fingers are holding his mothers’ and he looks so perfectly healthy and ready to fill their life with passion.

He said, “miracles don’t happen.”

At that same moment, a doctor came out of the operating room saying, “It’s unbelievable that she made it. We cut the whole tumor out and she’ll live a perfectly healthy, long life.” Following his sentence were tears of joy and a sense of fullness of all the great things in life.

He said, “miracles don’t happen.”

At that moment, a girl dropped money from her pocket to be found by a homeless man who just needed anything to buy food with. Surprisingly, this specific girl had to walk on this specific, empty street at this specific time for someone else, whom she didn’t even meet, to survive another day.

He said, “miracles don’t happen.”

At that moment, a guy knocked on some old lady’s door to hand her the wallet she lost a few days ago on the supermarket. It felt impossible to get back all the IDs, credit cards and even pictures of her children she had. But, she just did.

He said, “miracles don’t happen.” While something out there was happening at this moment just for him. He was blinded from this truth but it was happening and it will keep happening for him.

Miracles don’t just happen. Miracles happen for YOU. Something hits something that hits something which hits something until it hits you. And it’s all just for you.